How I feel...

Let me start by saying I must have the BEST family and friends. Poor George has watched me mope around the house for DAYS now. Today by far has been the worst. The bottom of the barrel, can't function, feel dead to emotion yet my mind can't stop turning. Honestly, I can only think of a couple of times that I have felt so desperate in my life. Maybe it's the waiting, maybe it's the unknown, maybe it's the fact that we have begun a medication that I want to see complete results in and not the 3 episodes a day we have seen since we have been home. Mind you that just because we are only 'seeing' 3 episodes it is an indication that there are more going on "behind the scenes". It must be working some though since I didn't see the arm/leg jerks and only the chin twitching however I counted 21 chin twitches in about 2 minutes time where as when it happened with the arm/leg we only saw as many as 11 in the same time frame. Too many details/technicalities? Eh, maybe but then again I sit here ALL DAY watching. I found myself yesterday NO JOKE I sat in one spot and stared at her face for an hour straight. I was so thankful she just sat quietly playing even during an episode.  I spent tonight researching, reading, combing through articles as to what our journey MAY entail...

So what does the picture represent? At first it was a picture of imprisonment. A picture of me held hostage in my own mind/body, desperately wanting to ripe open the chains of uncertainty that grip me knowing that I would never have the strength to break that chain if it was in the natural realm and I were faced with that. But the more I look at it I think I see opportunity. Huh, opportunity in chains. I actually see a crack in the doors that although I am not allowed access to the other side right now there is an opening that will reveal itself to me in due time. Maybe that's as information comes to me, maybe it's as I learn to rest in this journey, although that seems like the furthest possibility right now. Maybe it's just a quick revelation that He himself is saying "In MY time little girl". Whatever it is I am grateful that I came across the picture, that the picture graced the page of my dearest "sucky friend" half way around the world in Turkey and that although not intentional at the time God used her again to somehow speak into my soul and allow us to "be together" though the world has us separated. I hope that I will learn the word surrender and that I will live a life of graciousness during this trial of chains...